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lizzyverydizzyyo · 1 year ago

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D.E.A.N | Chapter 31 - Civilian (END)

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | Prompt on trope-appreciation-tuesdays that inspired this is here. | @whumptober-archive

Fandom : Original Work

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

AO3

A/N Aaaaaand here we are at last. The last chapter. The pseudo epilogue. The wrap-up. The end (before a new beginning for the sequel). I'm so proud of myself because this is genuinely the first long fic I've ever finished in my entire life. I have so many WIPs and they're all always half-written and get somewhat abandoned in the middle. Maybe this is the beginning of me finally being able to finish my other WIPs, including the sequel for D.E.A.N.

I cannot promise when I will start posting the chapters of the sequel, but with the first book in the installment now finished, it might be a little easier to finish writing the second book too because I don't have to jump around between writing two of them. I have another whump misunderstanding WIP too about a prince and a knight in a medieval setting that has a similar premise to D.E.A.N. And I have an anthology-style non-linear whump fic about two of my original OCs that are basically the prototype of Mark and Nick (you can read them on my AO3, if you want). It's likely that I will start posting those before posting D.E.A.N - Resurgence, so please be patient.

Anyway, if you want to read this chapter and immerse yourself, I suggest reading this while listening to T*ylor Sw*ft's "Wildest Dream", because Nick and Mark are so "Wildest Dream"-coded lol. Not to mention I loosely base Mark's appearance on Scott Eastwood, who is in that song's music video. Look, I know a lot of people here don't like her, but some of her songs are really good and fascinating, and I think that song really fits the end of D.E.A.N. (If you want to immerse yourself when reading the first few chapters, especially Chapter 15 - Visit, I suggest listening to Adele's Easy on Me, because that's the song I was constantly listening to when writing those chapters).

Anyway, adieu everyone! I'll see you in the next book, hopefully soon!

Wordcount: ± 5067

TW: Discussion of Past Sexual Assault, Kidnapping, Captivity, and Torture, Allusion to Slight Panic Attack, Allusion to Past Suicide Attempt

After all is said and done, and the dust has settled, Mark realizes everything will—and has to—change from now on, so he takes care of some unresolved heartfelt business before going ghost with the hope that it’s not going to be forever.

Whumptober 2023 Tropes:

Day 16 — “Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

Day 21 — Vows

Day 29 — Troubled Past Resurfacing

This story is set in the last half of 2016.

——

"Mister Belyaev! Mister Belyaev! Over here!"

"Nikolai, how would you describe your experience in Helga?"

"Nick Belyaev, is it true you made Helga network?"

"Nicky, over here!"

"Nikolai, can you tell us anything about your rescuers? They were said to be confidential?"

"Mister Belyaev, is it true you were prostituted to several senators? Which ones are they?"

"You were said to be the first surviving victim of Helga, is that true? How do you feel about that, Nick?"

"Mister Belyaev, can you tell us which politicians you know are involved in this syndicate?"

"Nikolai Belyaev, can you look here for a bit?"

The screen of the heavy-duty laptop is showing Mark the scene of Nick slightly slouching and covering his face with his hands, while double D.E.A.N/Secret Service agents stationed to protect Nick are trying their hardest to create barriers between the heterochromatic-eyed boy and the reporters trying to devour him.

Still, Nick and the agents can barely move, let alone walk away to their car to drive them to a safe house for Nick and his family. Despite the Secret Service agents pushing back reporters roughly and yelling, "Step aside now, all of you. He will not comment. Keep a distance or we will take necessary actions if you injure him," the reporters are relentless.

There are even civilians with signs yelling at the entourage, some saying, "Welcome home, Nicky! You're safe now :)"—which Mark begrudgingly feels grateful for as he hopes that it will cheer Nick up a little—while others have unsavory things to say regarding Nick's forced prostitution, his so-called ‘communist’ ancestry of being Russian-Vietnamese, and the fact that he created Helga's server—blaming him for it despite the widespread news that Nick was tortured into doing it.

Mark is tuning in on one among many livestreams available of the transfer. Some of them are filmed by reporters and broadcasted on behalf of the news companies they’re working for, big or independent, while others are by civilians from their personal social media accounts. They’re all equally competing with each other to get the best shots and audio so that they get the most viewers.

Nikolai looks so distressed in the livestream. Mark can tell from the screen that Nick looks somewhat pale with his swirly blue-brown eyes moist, lips also bitten. He hears Nick whispering with quivering voice to the closest reporters and nosy civilians, "Please, can you let me go?"

As usual, when he watches Nick being hurt by someone (like the times he was allowed to see Nick indirectly while being treated in D.E.A.N medic facility—many doctors and nurses, unfortunately, had to put Nick through somewhat painful treatments sometimes—or the instances Mark was shown more torture footages of Nick for intel purposes), he feels a jolt of fury and protectiveness seeing Nick deeply upset and scared like that.

Unfortunately, watching the livestream is the only thing Mark is allowed to do right now while the transfer to the safehouse is commencing.

He knows he isn't allowed to go near the building where Nick is officially announced to be rescued, with high-level commanders from Central Hub saying that 1056 agents aren't allowed to be near Nick. They’re citing worry that 1056’s objective judgments might be impaired after living with Nick for so long. So, all he can do at this point is just seethe, clench his jaw with balled fists, and wish his knuckles can connect to those asshole reporters and harassers roughly.

He muses that maybe the commanders are right about their suspicion.

Mark then ponders whether calling it ‘announced’ is too generous of a word. D.E.A.N simply moved Nick out of a confidential headquarter in Colorado and into this public venue—a transitional building to make sure no one can track D.E.A.N's classified locations—before delivering him to a safe house. D.E.A.N has finally decided that Nick has done enough work for them in secrecy, so he can now continue helping the division outside of their confidential sites.

They have also determined that Nick is safe enough to be put back into civilian life, although they will still station agents here and there to make sure Nick stays alive to keep helping D.E.A.N and other government agencies, including public law enforcement. Many national and foreign justice system courts have also requested help and testimony from him, since many are now starting to open criminal cases against Helga syndicate members who are caught and identified.

For some reason, crafty and sneaky reporters caught a whiff of the news of Nick's transfer and immediately descended upon the venue like a ravenous pack of vultures. The news traveled fast beyond reporters' communities too, so other curious or sympathetic people, along with bitter and mean trolls, are now also standing around the building, adding to the crowd that is swarming Nick.

There are at least 10 double D.E.A.N/Secret Service agents who are assigned to chaperone Nick right now, and they are still obviously overwhelmed anyway. It seems that they have underestimated just how easy and quick it is for classified information like this to breach containment, and how many people would be interested in it.

They are moving like ants, little by little, inches by inches, practically crawling instead of walking, but Mark can eventually see them pushing Nick gently into the car. The windows are tinted, and he knows that they are all also bullet-proof, but the reporters and the crowds do not give up in trying to see inside the car, many cameras shoved right onto the glass windowpanes. They’re probably hoping that if the lens is basically touching the glass, it can penetrate the dark tint of the windows.

It doesn’t matter. The car still manages to drive away, protected by another car in the front and one more taking the rear. So Mark sighs and closes his laptop, relieved on behalf of Nikolai, but also still anxious if the younger man is going to arrive here in one piece.

Marcus knows this is probably going to land him in hot waters with Central Hub, but he cannot make himself stay away until he can make sure that Nick is safe and sound. He is hoping Central Hub will only realize he is not accounted for in the headquarter within an hour at least, enough to buy him some time to see for himself that Nick has arrived in the safehouse, alive and well.

So he waits, leaning against his discardable car which he parks around a hundred meters from the aforementioned house.

Three cars that look different from the livestream finally pull over the safehouse property, and Mark is guessing they stopped by somewhere hidden to change cars, since the previous ones were already identified by the public. Those vehicles are probably no longer safe for travel to a sensitive spot like this.

Mark pulls out his binoculars, pointing them at the cars one by one until he finally sees Nick walking out of one of them. He sees Nick stumbling and hesitating when he sees his family—his mother, his father, his sister, his niece, and his brother-in-law. They are at a standstill for a bit until Alisa finally chokes out a sob and runs to Nick to hug him tightly.

Nick looks a bit surprised, but he raises his arms to hug his sister back, burying his face in the crook of his sister’s neck and shoulder despite being almost a head taller than her. The others then follow suit, walking towards Nick and hugging him tight. Mark can’t tell what they’re saying to each other, other than being able to see that they’re finally hugging each other with happy tears all over their faces, except for Tom who is more stilted and distant without hugging Nick like the rest.

Mark can only guess what Tom is saying to Nick, but Nick gives a small smile before looking at his brother-in-law’s arms where Nicole is being held. Nick immediately brightens up and bends down a little to coo at her, inviting a smile on Mark’s face too. He knows full well Nicole is really, really important to Nick. Months of living together in their Nevada headquarter have shown him that.

He sees Nick straighten up again with a wide smile and excited face—giving a peck to baby Nicole—before running to the car again. He pulls out a carrier, which Mark knows has Nightingale in it, so he is not surprised when he sees Nick unzipping the carrier and pulling out his black blob cat to show her to Nicole. The baby is reaching out to pet Nightingale stutteringly, probably because she hasn’t mastered her motor skill, and she laughs jovially while screaming in excitement because Nightingale turns to lick her tiny fingers. They all laugh together, and even the chaperone agents smile at the scene.

Mark pulls down his binoculars, feeling somewhat at ease since he can confirm that Nick is safe now, back with his family and hopefully getting better and becoming well-adjusted into normal life eventually.

Mark knows he should head back to the Central Hub headquarter right now, seeing that his secure D.E.A.N-issued phone is pinging alerts that he is being summoned to one of the offices in the headquarter, but nowhere to be found. He estimates that within 30 minutes they will realize that Mark has exited the premise without permission, and another 30 minutes to pinpoint exactly which coordinates he is at now.

Well, he still has time.

He pulls up his binoculars again and he sees the Belyaev (and Conrad) family walking into the house with Nick having his sister’s and mother’s arms around his shoulders. Alisa’s other hand is holding the pet carrier, while Nick is holding Nightingale in his arms, the feline looking much bigger than what Mark remembers seeing. Nick’s father and Tom are walking in front of him, opening the door so Nick can go in first.

He still sees some agents standing around the cars and the front door with their typical idle pose—a hand on top of the other over their stomachs. Mark can tell their earpiece comms are still on to communicate with some D.E.A.N management, seeing the lips movements of the agents with his binoculars.

He feels another vibration of alert in his phone, tsking in annoyance but still pulling out his phone anyway. A Central Hub agent apparently sent a direct message saying that he knows that Mark has gone somewhere out of the headquarter without clearance, and soon the commanders will know too. Mark rolls his eyes and types a message saying he has a pressing security matter to take care of, not really feeling bad about it because he is technically not lying. The matter of Nick’s safety is paramount to him.

But he continues the chat, sensing the testiness of the agent from the texts. He sounds pissed that Mark doesn’t show him enough respect despite being a higher-level agent—and also an agent in charge of managing several teams, one of which Mark is going to be assigned to. Mark tries to continue the lie, trying to conceal the fact that he is going directly against Central Hub’s instructions to not go anywhere near Nick.

He suddenly hears a knock on his car behind him.

He turns around near the speed of light, one hand already going to his holster, but then he sighs deeply in relief as he sees Nick there.

“Hi,” the heterochromatic-eyed boy says to him with a small smile.

“I thought you’re someone dangerous,” he responds with a slightly irritated voice.

Nick smirks, evidently pleased he could sneak up on Mark.

Mark narrows his eyes with a realization.

“How did you get here?”

Nick just shrugs. “Saw a suspicious car parked here since I arrived.”

Mark narrows his eyes even more in question.

“And you just decided to approach it?”

Nick shrugs again, making Mark slightly uncomfortable with how brazen Nick is about his safety.

“You know, for a confidential government institution agent, you’re kinda bad at disguising yourself,” Nick comments lightly, sensing that Mark might be concerned about his sense of self-preservation.

So Mark chuckles now, relieved.

“I’m not here under Central Hub’s command,” he explains casually, “so I don’t have enough resources and preparation to conceal myself like usual.”

“Hmm,” Nick smirks again, “Sure.”

Mark smiles lightly, feeling serene at the opportunity to talk to Nick again after weeks of not being allowed to meet directly. Or at all.

“You’re pretty good at ambushing me, though,” he comments again. “Learning well from those agents working around you all this time?”

Nick shrugs again. “Maybe.”

Nick moves his legs but stutters, seemingly wanting to get closer to Mark but not knowing if he is allowed. Bells are ringing in his head that this might be unwise to continue, but his heart yearns so badly for a chance to see Nikolai, so he steps aside to give space for Nick to stand near him. Nick walks around the front of the car and leans against the driver’s door next to Marcus.

“How are you?” he eventually asks softly, looking at Nick from top to bottom to detect if Nick is in any harm. He pauses a bit at Nick’s abdomen.

Nick gives a small nod with a bashful smile as he says, “I’m okay.”

It makes Mark feel that weird jolt in his heart again.

“How about you?” Nick asks back, now his turn to lower his eyes towards Mark’s abdomen on his right side.

Marcus looks down too, one hand absently going to his upper waist.

“Yeah, of course,” he replies with a reassuring voice as he feels softness in his heart at Nick’s concern. “Told you I was just lightly grazed.”

Nick nods again with his own relieved breath.

“That’s good. I didn’t know what became of you all these weeks. They didn’t tell me anything.”

“They want you and us, team 1056, to work efficiently,” he shrugs and adds, “Well, as efficient as we could be with all of our ongoing injuries recovery.”

Nick furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“They think separating us will help. Getting rid of distraction and all.”

Nick rolls his eyes.

“That’s stupid. I’ve been worried sick about you for so long I couldn’t think of anything else,” he says, before he sputters with widened eyes and continues, “I mean, the others in your team too!”

Mark tries not to read too much into it.

“Speaking of which, how are the others?” Nick starts again, his bashfulness after his comment about Mark starting to dissipate. “They didn’t tell me much about what happened to the agents in that attack.”

Mark stares at Nick for a while, eventually feeling some grief and maybe anger settling in his mind. He looks down and inhales deeply.

“3 from 1082… died in action.”

“Oh,” Nick whispers with a shocked and melancholic face.

“The deputy, one sniper, and another agent. I think. Wasn’t informed directly.”

“Agent Leonard, right? The black man?”

Mark nods mournfully. “That deputy, yeah.”

"And the decoy agent?" he asks unsurely, again with fearful face. "Robert Van Hoven, right? That's his name?"

Mark nods to confirm the name, but then gives a half-hearted shrug.

"He is not from 1056, so we weren't really given any information on him." He pauses a bit. "I hope he is okay, though."

Nick nods too.

“The thing is…” Mark leans his head back with a deep, weary sigh “…we weren’t told anything other than the official report. Even I don’t know what exactly happened to the rest. Just hush-hush info, not even verifiable.”

Nick stays quiet reverently, waiting for Mark to recount further.

“Over 25 died in that clash. 4 Tactical Intelligence agents. 11 Offensive team agents,” he explains with despair but also fury in his voice, eyes cast down.

He feels that familiar anger again at himself for failing once more—wondering what could have been done differently so that not so many lives were lost—and at to those sons of bitches from Helga themselves.

“Two out of Doctor Lowe’s three nurses, and another two out of the 5 additional Medical agents sent to 1034. I think at least 6 agents from backup teams also died. That’s all the report says.”

Nick’s lips part while looking down too, probably not knowing how to react to Mark’s obvious tumultuous emotion and expression, or show his condolence appropriately and sufficiently. They all pretty much died for Nick, after all.

“What about…” Nick hesitates, so Mark turns to him, “…your team?”

Mark breathes out heavily, relieved but also forlorn.

“We all survived,” he starts.

Nick’s eyes widen and he breathes out in relief too. “That’s… that’s really good to hear. I’m glad.”

Mark turns to him with slightly raised eyebrows.

“Oh, god, I don’t mean… I’m not glad about the other non-surviving agents,” Nick blurts out nervously with his raised hands waving frantically, “don’t get me wrong!”

Mark gives him a reassuring smile, although still tinged with mourning.

“I understand.”

Nick waits for a while in silence. He then asks, “But all 10 of you in team 1056 survived?”

Mark nods. “Yeah.”

“I’m relieved,” Nikolai says again, body slightly sagging against the car.

“Even for Don and Anna?” he jokes lightly.

“I’m not heartless, Mark. I never wished for any of you to die even if I’m angry,” Nick responds with a slight frown.

Mark chuckles. “I know.”

“Although you and I saw Anna and Angie in the end anyway, so I know they’re okay,” Nick tells him.

A silence passes where they just look forward to the other side of the road, then turn to their right to the safehouse far away from them.

“But…” Nick hesitates again, “…are they… okay?”

“Mostly…” he hangs his words, not sure about how to continue.

“Is anyone in critical condition?” Nick asks worriedly.

“No, not really.”

Nick still seems puzzled, waiting for more explanation.

“Horace is doing better with his shoulder after getting shot,” he recounts, “Anderson almost died of blood loss… had to have his burst spleen taken out… and Luke is still doing physio after his knee got shot.”

Nick raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“But I don’t know if he’s going to be recovered enough to still be a field agent. Fractured knee is kinda hard to repair, you know?”

Nick keeps silent to give Marcus the time he needs to collect himself.

“George… had to be resuscitated in the medic facility,” he informs more. “He survived, but… being dead for around 2 minutes gotta leave some chronic and permanent damage. For now, the Medical agents say just to wait and see.”

Nick bites his lips, unsurely asking him, “The rest?”

“Mary and Lena are thankfully pretty much unscathed. Somehow. Only bruises here and there.”

Nick sighs in relief again.

“And Don?”

Mark gives him another reassuring and somewhat cheeky smile.

“Of course, that son of a bitch survived despite getting shot in the spleen too. Why wouldn’t he?”

Nick laughs loudly, seemingly surprised by Mark’s sudden change of tone.

He drinks in the sound and tries to etch it into his mind deeply, sensing that he is probably not going to be able to hear it again for a long time.

“I mean, they’re probably not going to be fully okay-okay, you know?” he continues again with a somber voice after a while. “But they live.”

They both look down again in sedate silence.

“And are you… really okay, though?”

The way Nick says it tells him that he is not just asking about Mark’s physical condition.

That battle is the biggest conflict he has ever faced so far, seeing as multiple circles of Helga were all swarming them at once. He knew that he trained for this, but looking at the chaos and even some agents shot dead right in front of him still rattles his mind sometimes. He has never been in a collision that chaotic in all of his D.E.A.N history, short as it is.

The fear too that he might not be able to get Nick to safety—that he would have to watch Nick down a full vial of morphine just so that he wouldn’t be taken back by Helga—still haunts him too. It’s as if the fear when they got separated kept surfacing in his dreams all the time, making him this worried and obsessed with seeing Nick again despite direct prohibition from the higher-ranked agents.

That’s why he is here now.

Still, he nods anyway, a silent reassurance that he is fine.

“How about you, Nick?”

He knows that aside from his prior trauma in Helga and at the beginning of his time with Mark’s team (he shudders at the reminder), Nick also had to witness the chaos in 1034’s headquarter, running for his life and then separated and alone with his old handlers several times. He also had to escape with Mark, Anna, Angie, and Doctor Lowe until they eventually ran out of bullets, at one point considering doing a suicide pact with the morphine vials.

Nikolai experienced all of those hells too.

Even from the livestream before, Mark can see that Nick is still deeply anxious and mentally fragile. With how public his rescue is and how ruthless the reporters and harassers are, it’s bound to be another source of trauma for Nick.

“I’ll… I’ll be okay,” Nick hesitates with a small voice, “I think.”

Mark tilts his head so that he can still see Nick’s cast-down face.

“You’re out of there now. You can get better now, yeah? Try, for me?”

Mark says it with such a weight, a pleading at the reminder of what Nick did the day before that collision. He stares again at Nick's abdomen, coldly remembering the sensation of dripping blood on his thigh and Nick’s scream when he had to be cauterized.

Nick raises his head to stare back at him, slowly giving a nod and a small smile. Not completely happy-looking, but a smile nonetheless. Mark has to believe that it means Nick will be okay in the end.

Their silence is interrupted by another vibration on Mark’s phone. He sighs in irritation again.

“Where are you gonna go after this?”

Mark turns to Nick again at the deceivingly casual-sounding question, although he still can tell it’s a loaded one. Nick isn’t just asking where he is going to drive after seeing Nick here, but also where he is going to do his mission next.

He sighs.

“Pretty far,” he simply answers.

Nick looks down again with a frown.

“Central put together 100 new Offensive Department teams. Said it will probably be a good idea if I’m a deputy this time. But we’ll have to see from the preliminary meetings.”

Nick looks almost scared when he faces Mark again as he bites his lip.

“Where?”

Mark stays silent with his own melancholic look, the heaviness in his heart at the possibility of not seeing Nick for a long time settling deep. He doesn’t want to assume, but he senses that Nick is feeling the same about that possibility.

“North Dakota.”

“Oh,” Nick simply says, trying hard not to seem crestfallen as he fiddles with his fingers. “That’s halfway across the country from Oregon.”

“Yeah.”

They are quiet again. Mark doesn’t know what he should do or say now, with Nick not giving obvious hints as to what he wants from Mark.

“They… um…” he begins again at Nick’s silence, “…made the decision based on your story… to us before.”

Nick seems like he is working hard to not show any reaction, or even weep, but Mark can see the slightest movement of his jaw at the implication of what happened to him when he just turned 18. What was done to him before and after his attempt to escape at that time.

Maybe Mark shouldn’t have brought that up because he can sense the tension between them now, with Nick’s eyes glistening again despite his efforts to not seem affected. Mark decides to look away again to the safehouse instead.

Maybe he should end this before he makes things worse.

“You should probably go back.”

Nick follows suit by looking at the safe house, the place he is going to have to live in until whenever D.E.A.N decides he and his family can fully live as civilians again. Until they’re allowed to freely live wherever they choose with only having D.E.A.N agents check in on them once in a while, instead of watching them constantly.

“Your family must be worried sick about you. They might think you get kidnapped again.”

Nick stays looking firmly at the safe house, this time obviously trying to avoid facing Mark. He doesn’t know if Nick takes it as Mark indirectly telling Nick to go away.

He sighs quietly, mourning the gloomy and tense moment they’re in now. This is possibly the last ever moment they’re going to be together for a long time, and yet, this is the mood they’re currently in.

Eventually, Nick looks back at him with a smile that seems rough around the edge. Forced, even.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he says quietly too. “I should.”

Still, they both don’t move from leaning against Mark’s disposable car, not until a while when Mark decides to be the one to end the moment. He straightens up and faces Nick fully, so Nick slowly does the same.

“Take care of yourself,” Mark says to Nick, earnest with a hint of desperation. He feels worried now that he realizes he cannot make sure Nick will be okay with his own eyes and hands.

Nick just nods, turning around to see the safe house and then to Mark again, almost like he is debating whether he should stay or go. He still ends up taking half a step to walk away, so Mark puts his hands into his pockets to prepare to watch Nick until the heterochromatic-eyed boy is safe inside again.

But he didn’t expect Nick to turn around quickly to face him again, launching himself to Mark with arms tightly embracing him. His eyes widen in shock before he processes what is happening, feeling Nick’s face burying into his shoulder with a sensation of moisture on his clothes.

His face softens eventually, and he raises his own arms to hug Nick too. His arms are careful—gentle, but also tight around Nick’s thin body—while he is drinking in Nikolai’s presence in his arms that he knows is going to stay deeply in his mind in years to come. It will be his lifeline to tether him to Nick, at least for several months, or maybe even years.

“You stay safe too,” Nick whispers with muffled voice to his shoulder, “give me a sign once in a while that you’re still out there.”

“Nick—"

Nick pulls back quickly with almost frantic and desperate eyes, some tears visible on his cheeks while his arms are still linked behind Mark’s neck.

“I know that you’re probably not allowed to contact me directly, or be stationed close to me,” Nick quickly says, “but just try to give me hidden signs somehow.”

Nick searches his eyes, almost like he is begging Mark to say yes.

“Tell me you haven't forgotten me. That you’re still alive somewhere doing your mission.”

Mark inhales and opens his mouth to explain some protocol, but Nick doesn’t let him.

“Promise me!”

He stares at Nick, and he loathes just how easy it is for Nick to bend Mark’s emotions to his will, even right now after not seeing each other for weeks. It feels like his attachment to Nick hasn’t worn out at all throughout that. He can’t look at those teary swirly blue-brown eyes and say no. He just can’t.

So he lets out a soft breath with crumbling defense, unknowingly getting close to Nick until their foreheads touch, his arms around Nick’s waist tightening. Nick doesn’t rebuff him.

“I promise,” he eventually says, “It’s not like I can forget you.”

They stay like that for a bit, letting themselves dip their toes into that… forbidden… place for once, even if Mark knows he can’t fully jump in and stay there indefinitely.

Just once, he’ll let himself take this moment.

After a while, they both let out heavy breaths and reluctantly separate from each other, their arms letting go of each other too.

“I really need to head back home,” Nick says as if trying to sober them both up.

Mark nods again, already feeling heavy in his heart, but he still lets Nick take several steps back, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. He wants to keep the sight of those captivating swirly blue-brown eyes permanently in his memory.

Eventually, Nick turns around and jogs away, and Mark tries to gulp down at the tight feeling in his throat.

Why is it this difficult?

As if to torture him even further, Nick pauses his jogging to turn back for a second, tantalizing Marcus again with the offer he knows he cannot take. Then Nick continues jogging again before slowing down to walk away, steadfastly no longer acknowledging Mark now.

Nick’s back to Mark gets smaller and smaller until he can no longer see him unless Mark uses his binoculars again. He chooses not to. He knows he’ll get hooked again if he can see Nick clearly.

It’s only when he can tell that the small dot of Nick’s body is walking into the house—welcomed by his family again—that his logical mind finally catches up.

Regardless of what he feels right now—or even later—he knows making sure that Nick stays safe is important. He knows that taking down the people who hurt Nick before—and can hurt Nick again, if he doesn’t do his job right—is his biggest priority right now. Whether one day he can see Nick and have him by his side again or not, what matters is making sure that Nick will be safe and sound permanently, whatever he needs to do to achieve that.

So, he opens his car door as he receives the call on his phone.

“Agent Hayden speaking,” he says to the agent on the phone professionally, “Yes, I will arrive in 40, Sir.”

Now, his real work begins.

-----

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | AO3 series link is here.

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

3 notes · View notes

ljbrary · 1 year ago

Text

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @anxiety-banana HEY AB ILY I'M SORRY I KNOW YOU TAGGED ME IN THIS A MONTH AGO SO THIS IS SO LATE BUT STILL

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

101,550

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now ive been writing for the last of us but most of my fics are star wars (specifically most of them are the clone wars) and i have one six of crows fic

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

all of them are star wars fics

lean on me (but let me laugh, first)

don't fix it if it's not broken (but broken's only a point of view)

fill the hollow space with silence (and other words of comfort that aren't so comforting)

it's a process (you wouldn't understand)

it's not good grief (but it's better)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i think i get to most of them and i seriously try my best to but like i struggle with replying to even my texts irl and i have no concept of time at all (the adhd is adhd-ing unfortunately) but every single one literally makes my life

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i think either the love only lasts so long (the grief lasts longer, the guilt never leaves) or this silence hurts worse than the truth (if only you would tell it) which are quite literally the same exact situation just from different povs because i have never had an original thought in my life. it's post-mortis arc in the clone wars with anakin and ahsoka and the transparently trauma-shaped elephant in the room between them.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i honestly have no idea? so im just going to say my tlou fic statistically significant because although its bittersweet it ends with joel and ellie together and thats literally all i need to be happy at this point in my life.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, but i probably should.

(that was a joke. but like if i did its fine bc i have 3 brothers who've already found my ao3 and bullied me for it so the hater would prob need to get real creative after all that lmao.)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i dont have the executive functioning skills necessary to plan one of those out but they sound interesting.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

guys my fics aren't that good. if someone stole it they'd just return it no worries.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no i haven't but that would be sick.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

like ab said in her post, ab, ash, and i tried but it just never came to fruition but it was a fun attempt

also my older brother and i when we were younger tried to write a percy jackson fic together.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i like found family more than romantic stuff, but if i have to choose definitely percabeth because they are the reason i have unrealistic expectations in life.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ALL OF THEM IM SO BAD AT FINISHING THEM

16. What are your writing strengths?

thats so funny lmfao

okay but self deprecation aside idk maybe like imagery or metaphors sometimes? also apparently writing emotion ig? my english teacher in high school told me i was good at the psychological aspect of understanding a character and their actions/emotions but i don't know man

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for starters, starting. im supremely bad at starting things. i always struggle with intros/the beginning of writing pieces. and i struggle with plotting/planning things. i also am incapable of writing genuine dialogue, every conversation i write sounds so disjointed and awkward. i also tend to focus too much on the introspective aspect of characters and forget about that irrelevant little thing called a "plot."

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i made up my own language for a few star wars fics and it was so atrocious that i can't even bring myself to reread them again so i think i'll be staying away from that one for a little while.

however if i was smart or savvy enough to pull it off i would totally do it that would be sick.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson when i was 10 years old on wattpad. my older brother and i co-wrote the fic and then i made my friend at school edit it on the computers in the library. still have yet to live that one down.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

weighted words hurt more than loaded fists (if you know how to use them) i have a soft spot for it even though it's one of my least popular fics in terms of like hits and kudos. its just a found family (shocker, i know) modern/foster care au with rex and ahsoka. i like the imagery, metaphors, and just the vibes overall.

okay leaving this open to anyone who wants to do it!!

#fic

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sydneyshipsstuff · 1 year ago

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answering both of the recent tag games in one since im lazy (so scroll for the questions below the bingo)

tagged by @professional-benaddict (sorry for responding so late lol) and because i dont have too many mutuals, tagging anyone who sees it & wants to do it!

I chose my baby Spider-Man/Peter Parkee, with a focus on the starker fandom!

1. How did you discover your fave?

spider-man movies -> video edits on insta/tiktok -> irondad fanfics on wattpad -> ao3 -> looking at starker in disgust -> becoming a part of the fandom

2. How long have you been a fan of your fave?

since homecoming! when it first came out but it took me a while to start interacting with the fandom

3. Do you write for your fave? (E.g. AU's, Drabbles, Fan Fics.)

sorta! i don't actively write, just kinda drabble sometimes and i mostly dont post that, plus helping others write, i do have drafts that have been in my docs for years though

4. Do you like what is canon about your fave?

i do but i feel bad for him! poor guy has nobody :((, but before endgame i was in love with canon.

5. Tell some of your headcanons of your fave.

•his spider abilities on top of the originals like purring, cant have peppermint, hibernates, etc

•his love of animals, always stopping on patrols to say hi to them or trying to keep the strays he finss

•being worthy of mjolnir and picking it up without knowing the significance

•that he worms his way into the hearts of everyone he meets

6. Do you draw for your fave? (E.g. Fan Art)

no i dont, but i love seeing others fan art obviously!

7. If your fave/s are portrayed by several actors, who are your fave portrayers?

basic, ik, but tommy.

8. Are you more into Books/ Comics/Films when it comes to your fave?

mostly the fanfics then anything, but the movies and comics are so entertaining.

9. Quote anything about what your fave has said.

this ones weird but when i went to new york i went out of my way to go to moma because of him mentioning it to tony

10. Quote your favourite line of your fave!

basic but the "When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you." because even though its sad/semi unhealthy to put that pressure on yourself, i relate to it in a way and uphold myself to helping whenever i can.

11. Ever made a edit for/of your fave?

i dont think so? maybe photos but that would have been a while ago

12. Songs you associate with your fave?

anything to do w new york really

13. If your fave was real, do you think they'd like you?

i think so, if we meant in a natural way lolol, i try to be social and i think id be able to joke with him

14. Amongst your fave/s who do you think are you? (E.g. You have 5 faves, amongst the 5 of them you think of yourself as fave no.3)

skipping because i only am answering for the one

15. Do you know your fave origin story?

yes i doo, radioactive spider bite, yada yada, parents dead, yada yada, uncle shot, rip, grew up in queens & stayed there

16. In 1 word describe your fave’s aesthetic.

akward

17. Is/Are your fave/s famous on A03?

yes very much, but mostly for irondad

18. Ships that you like with your fave?

i do like irondad if thats even considered a ship, peter w tony, harley, steve, stephen, and bucky, either seperate or at the same time, and im open to other pairings too

19. Is/Are your fave/s well known?

yes very well

20. If your fave/s have a fandom, what do you think about the fandom?

i like them, idk if theyd like me now that ive gone to the dark side lol

21. Describe yourself using something your faves have said

oops kinda did this already for another question but, "I am Responsible. I…Oh crap. My backpack’s gone." I try to be responsible but i am very clumsy and forgetful lol, and i do a lot of stupid shit

22. If you would feed your fave/s something, what would it be?

as big of a meal as i could possibly make, very carby, probably pasta, get some meat on those bones and feed the super apetite

23. How do you see yourself in any of your fave/s?

i see the optimism/ akwardness in myseld as well, we are semi-close in age so i think that contributes to it

24. Ever taken a break from your fave/s?

sorta, it was very short and it was mostly in between going from irondad to starker as well as small breaks i took from everything lol

25. If your fave/s were to have a crossover, who and which character would they have a crossover with?

well they did have one with stephen and the other spidermen but i think it would be cool to see him really interacting w the women of marvel, aka kate, yelena or natasha (also rip), pepper, captain marvel, america chavez, etc.

#sydneys tags #sydney answers #sydneyrambles #rafni if you see this i love you #starker minus the starker tag

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likeadog · 3 years ago

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Genuine question, though- why exactly is art being easily consumable a bad thing? I do think it’d be better phrased as “let people enjoy things so long as that enjoyment isn’t at the expense of others”

Also imo hcing the mains kissing is fine just tag it so people who /don’t/ want to see it can avoid it but ik that can be debated

Okay so in part that post was unclear with what i meant

I don't think art should be gatekept from people. I do believe that the idea of "high art" and elitism in who decides what is art leads to more harm than good and as someone who spent a very large portion of the last few years preparing for a career in art and studying art history i think the idea has a few large aspects we need to tackle

1) the commodification. art is pumped out for the masses to be SOLD to the masses. the worst offender of this i think is NFT's; the art of deceased artist, ai-generated asset mixes, etc all being sold as status symbols BECAUSE of the concept of scarcity and the fact that they Cost A Lot Of Money.

2) because of this commodification, art is becoming increasingly sanitized. especially with the internet, and the phenomenon of people's attention spans (and personal time! we cannot discount how capitalist labor has destroyed people's ability to spend time on the things they love) getting increasingly shorter, companies are pushing out shorter, "emptier" content to catch attention quickly. This trend then trickles down to fandom through the use of algorithms; tiktok, instagram, etc all promote very shortform content en masse, and when you produce things en masse to be profitable, you have to cut corners. a lot of artists have said they can ONLY make a following by making fandom content that appeals to the widest audiences possible, and things like "aesthetic sketchbooks" continue to perpetuate the idea that all art has to be clean and easy to digest. we see much less willingness from both companies and fans to engage with dirty, messy, emotional art, and i think as a whole culture suffers from it.

not only that, but especially online, this rapid-fire cycle of consumption leads to echochambers;;; which leads to things like racism on fandomwide scales, misogyny, grooming-- etc. by enforcing the idea that you do not have to THINK about the art and the implications of what you are ingesting and then spitting out, you enforce the idea that what you are doing can never be harmful to other people.

and this is what i mean by the devaluing of art-- while the entertainment industry booms, and fandom has become more relevant and widespread than ever, people don't VALUE what it means for someone to be MAKING art. people dont VALUE the deeper themes that art could be presenting.

and i won't say fandom content cant be deeper art, too. i will never say you can put it on the level of entirely original works, but i would be a hypocrite if i didnt admit ive even used shows i dont think are particularly good to explore a theme they presented in a way that was deeply personal to myself (such as my cult background) because having a base there made it easier to hone in on those details.

and i dont have an issue with individuals headcanoning things and having ships; it is when those things overtake the basic themes, context, or even the PLOT of the story that i find them to be an offense, especially on a large scale. when i initially watched devilman crybaby, i was severely mislead by dozens upon dozens of people about the actual content of the show because of how cutesy-fying akira and ryo's relationship was the norm, and that's just one of many examples. same with this phenomenon of encanto-- this is a disney movie about family. it is made for children and tries to deliver the themes of generational trauma in a way that introduces the concept of healing for generational audiences. (and the criticisms of disney for encanto are not mine to tell but they are out there and are very interesting reads if ur interested, but this is about fandom) but people are obsessed with finding some sort of ship or headcanon to slap on top, in a way that feels like a shallow non-engagement of the text. which is not particularly hard to engage with, given that it is a CHILDRENS MOVIE

#nyc knacks #long post #sorry! its a fascinating topic to me #ok to rb btw #media consumption

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nataliaphantomhivesblog · 4 years ago

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In the end of it all, Monaca Towa was still a child.

To start this off, this isn't my usual Black Butler posts but ive been meaning to talk about Danganronpa for a hot minute, so please bear with me! Second, this is solely my opinion and before anyone wants to attack me please read thoroughly first. Thank you:)

(Spoiler warning for Danganronpa: Ultra Despair Girls and Danganronpa 3)

Also, before we dive in I'm going to list some trigger warnings:

Physcological abuse

Physical abuse

Manipulation

P*dophillia

Suicide attempt

Violence (?)

Childhood trauma

Please take care and read at your own risk<3

Hello there Danganronpa fandom! Today I will be talking about Monaca Towa (as stated in the title) and how people often minimize her trauma and sometimes forget the fact that shes still a child who got heavily manipulated by Junko too.

Monaca is seemingly very amiable and caring, because of her charming personality, all of the Warriors of Hope love her and try their best to keep her happy and go along with what she wants. However, it's slowly revealed that she is actually manipulative and cunning behind her friendly facade.

Monoca is a character that is cruel, manipulative, and extremly unhinged. Many of her actions cannot be excused or justified, but you can understand where she's coming from.

Monaca's Backstory:

She was born an unwanted child by both her father and her mother. Monaca's mother was supposed to take care of her but instead abandoned the child soon after her birth. Because of all her actions, Monaca saw her mother as a completely selfish and pathetic person. Monaca's father thought of giving her to an orphanage but instead took her into his family.

However, Monaca was always unwanted and everyone else felt uncomfortable around her. Every time Monaca smiled or joked, the others looked at her coldly, as if she didn't deserve to laugh. Every time she spoke, the others turned silent. His older-half brother thought of her as an alien, not part of the family.

She was also physically abused to the point that she pretended to be seriously wounded for them to stop as a result.

Monaca also attended Hope's Peak Elementary School and was part of the "trouble-makers class" along with Nagisa, Masaru, Jataro, and Kotoko.

Along with her fellow abused classmates, she planned a group suicide; however, Monaca never had any plans to commit suicide in the first place and was planning to let the others die as a prank.

The group suicide was stopped by Junko, who took the kids in and manipulated them by treating them with kindness and love.

Monaca then helped Junko mass produce Monokumas for the Tragedy by using her position as a representative of the Towa Group.

She lied to her father and the other adults in order to produce the Monokumas, telling them that she wanted to create futuristic robots that could be domestic helpers and emergency aid workers.

Due to her separation from the family and her genius, her family decided to give her leg room to do what she wanted as long as she brought in profits to the company, and didn't delve too deeply into her plans.

Things to keep in mind about Monoca's backstory:

She was emotionally and physically abused from a very young age.

She started to pretend to be paraplegic because she was finally treated with some kindness and she could have more control over people.

She convinced Nagisa, Jataro, Kotoko and Masaru to commit suicide.

Out of all the Warriros of Hope, Junko took the most intrest in Monoca due to her position, meaning that she was the one who got used and manipulated the most.

How Monoca's mindset works:

The moment she got physically abused to the point that she had to fake her injuries to make her family feel bad was the moment she learned that through sympathy from others comes power. Due to her families neglection and abuse, she started to quickly pick up on things in which benefited her yet hurt others.

She started to use manipulative tactics on her family to gain control over them. She then started implicating these tactics with the Warriors of Hope.

When Junko got into the picture, everything changed for the worst. Junko was the only person in Monaca's life who showed her affection. Even though deep down Monaca knew Junko only cared for her as a means to use her robotics genius for the Tragedy, Monaca didn't care, and happily helped out Junko with her plans if it meant being loved and appreciated in return. At the heart of it, despite all her horrific acts, that's a very child-like thing to do, right? So when Junko dies, Monaca's entire reason for living basically disappears.

AI Junko via Kurokuma may have planted the idea of a successor in her head, but in Monaca's mind it's a way to get her big sis back, and very specifically chooses to mold Komaru into becoming Junko's successor. That's for a big reason, Monaca doesn't want to become Junko, I'd say she actually just wanted her big sister back who would love and appreciate her again, and hence tried to make someone else take on that role initially. Once again, that's the mindset of a child.

Monaca's relationship with the Warriors of Hope:

The Warriors of Hope are a group of children who are extremely resentful and hateful of adults, regardless of whether or not they were involved in their rough paths.

We all know that the Warriros of Hope are extememly tramutized kids. Masaru had alcoholic parents who physically abused him, Jataro was physcologically abused to the point he bealived he was so ugly that if anyone saw his "repulsive" face they would die, Kotoko was r*ped multiple times by disgusting p*dophilic men (not to mention, Monaca's brother was attracted to her), and last but not least we have Nagisa who had pressuring parents who wanted to raise him as the child prodigy and expirimented on him constantly.

Monaca used the Warriros of Hope's trauma against them, manipulating them to the point were they had to do her bidding completly.

As much as I hate to say it, Monaca truly saw them as pawns. Although there are some instances where she openly declares her care for the Warriors of Hope, it's likely she does that as a form of emotional manipulation.

If anything, she probably did see them as equal in the beginning but then when she started to gain control over her own family, she started to do the same with the Warriors of Hope as a way to protect herself from getting hurt, then again this is my baseless assumption.

Her dynamic with Nagito:

Monaca was amused by Nagito's strange behavior and contradicting beliefs and appeared to be somewhat annoyed with him at the times. However, the two appeared to at least seemingly respect each other in some way, as they treated each other somewhat formally as allies.

Her dynamic with Nagito is one of the most intresting ones. Obviously I think that her being rasied by Nagito was potentially a dangerous thing, considering Nagito's goal was for Monaca to become Enoshima's successor. Monaca seemed to agree with this goal, but Nagito's constant rambling about hope and despair made Monaca bored and feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

She claims he made her an adult in a way, as she grew up in the mental sense and became more cynical and apathetic, not really caring about anything.

In the end, Monaca found Nagito creepy and annoying, but she also appeared to get closer to him during their time together, while originally calling him just "Mister Servant" in UDG, she later refers to him as "Big Bro" in Danganronpa 3. I do think their dynamic was sort of soft and I would've loved to have seen more of it. Honestly the concept of Nagito being a soft brother to Monaca warms my heart, and the wasted potential will forever anger me.

(If any Danganronpa fanfic writer or any writer in general is reading this post: if u could be so kind and do a PLATONIC Nagito and Monaca prompt and tag me in it, I would love you forever!!)

My opinion on Monaca:

I think that Monaca was a very well-written character who deserved more than what she got in the end of Danganronpa 3. She was abused, mistreated and belittled by her family. If anything, I see her as a completely misguided little girl. If she actually had a positive authoritative influence in her life, she wouldn't have turned astray.

A lot of people disregard Monaca's trauma and forget that at the end of the day, Monaca was a child who the moment she was born, the people who were supposed to love her were unwelcoming.

Don't get me wrong though, there is no way in hell I will ever justify or condone the things Monaca has done. If anything, I just think that she alongside the rest of the Warriors of Hope should've been properly taken care of.

Also, if you dislike/hate Monaca thats 100% valid! She did a lot of inexcusable things and its alright to hate on her. I personally love her character but I know she is not everyones cup of tea.

If you read all the way, I'm actually surprised! Thank you and I hope you enjoyed<333

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huntertherapyeras · 3 years ago

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1, 6, 19, 25 for the writing ask game :)

hiiii cay :) fair warning these might be out of order since im using my phone's clipboard!

Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

so i have a few! mostly fanfics.

there's the body electric, which i haven't written for since maybe 2018 ? but i think about it a Lot. its a danny phantom fic featuring trans danny! was originally a rewrite of the show but im not sure what im doing with it now! it's probably my best work, very experimental bc i wrote it in second person, very personal because it talks about being a trans kid with trauma, and very important to me because of that. it also got an amazing reception, which im super proud of! gosh i gotta keep writing for that. my writing isnt nearly as good as it used to be bc im rusty and have cognitive issues but i really want to get back into it!

and then there's your past so present you can feel your baby teeth. its a catradora college au where catra and adora are cult survivors. i really want to do the subject justice, but i think im gonna rewrite the last few chapters i have published bc i feel like one scene is not sensitively written enough so i gotta go back and fix that. i have a lot of plans for this one! i just kinda am having trouble with motivation now ever since noelle made that racist joke awhile back. really hurt me and turned me off of the fandom lol, im sensitive. slavery jokes arent funny my friends.

im also working on in bloom. its a fic about autistic amity learning to unmask and heal from trauma surrounding ableism around her. very important to me. luz is such a light for amity and i really wanted to convey that!!!! i love luz so much!!

the most recent multichapter fic ive been working on is a post amphibia fic called just like an amnesiac (tryna get my senses back). its about marcy healing from the events of amphibia. mostly just kinda sad rn, but things will be looking up for her soon 💜 only two chapters in so far!

i have multiple one shot prompts sitting in my ask box and i really want to write for them and have ideas, i just have a really hard time getting started. and i had some original story ideas a long time ago too, but memory problems washed most of the concepts away so i guess im starting from scratch! i don't mind tho 💜

oh and theres one original short story i never finished from a few years ago but i cant remember the title rn... still tryna figure out how i want to end it but its nearly done lol

What character do you have the most fun writing?

ah jeez, i write for so many different fandoms at this point its kind of hard to pick just one! i like characters that i find easier to relate to. so danny fenton, marcy wu, amity blight, catra AND adora. i find luz fairly easy to write too, though im a little nervous to write from her perspective for some reason! i did a lot of writing from kurama's (from yyh) and ryou bakura's (from ygo) perspectives as well back in the day when i was still working on the ygo/yyh/hp crossover that ive long since abandoned. that was my longest fic at about 30k words when i abandoned it and like 70 pages! they were pretty easy to write about too i think!

What part of writing is the most fun?

honestly? projecting onto characters. i just think its neat :)

Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

nightmare sequences are a fave. something about being comforted after a nightmare or panic attack is so good to me... i think its bc i Want That lol

thanks for asking!!!!

#aster.exe #go ask aster

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sukunasrealm · 4 years ago

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Check-In Tag

I was tagged by @loulovehome and @justalarryblog to do this!! Thank you!!! 💗

1. Why did you choose your url?

Because I think Louis is golden, but I didn't like how louisisgolden looked so I used an x.

2. Any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them.

I do not! All my hyperfixations go on one blog! (Lately it's been f1 but I'm tagging in case people need to blacklist it.) Although maybe I should because sometimes discourse bores me and end up not even coming on here.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Oh lord, I think like 8ish years now but I accidently deleted my first blog. So this one Ive had for like 3 or 4 years i think.

4: Do you have a queue tag?

I do not. I come here reblog like a hundred things then go away lol. 🤷🏽‍♀️

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Originally boredom lol. Then for The Walking Dead, but while trying to make a sideblog for the 1D stuff I somehow deleted that whole blog. So here I am now!

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because I changed my header and I wanted the husbands to have matching flipping the bird pics!

7. Why did you choose your header?

The minute I saw that pic I just loved it! 🥰

8. Whats your post with the most notes?

This Harry edit that I actually thought people weren't going to like! x

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I'm not entirely sure to be honest. Some people I didn't even realize we were mutuals. I think like maybe 30ish or 40. But I only talk to about 10 people lol.

10. How many followers do you have?

Too many to only have the amount of notes I do! 😶

11. How many people do you follow?

Almost 200 and thats too much honestly. Although some are dead blogs but I just follow in case I need to go look at something or for informational purposes.

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I don't think so....

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

Sadly a lot to avoid work or my responsibilities 🤦🏽‍♀️

14. Did you once have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

No. I (try) to keep to myself really to avoid issues. It's just recently I started even getting the courage to talk to people.

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog" posts?

Thats the easiest way to get me not to reblog!

16. Do you like tag games?

Yes I love doing them! Anyone can tag me in anything really!

17. Do you like ask games?

Yes I do!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Probably @/jimmytfallon because a lot of people recommended her to me when I first started getting into the fandom.

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

A lot of my mutuals are beautiful but no!

20. Tags?

This part always makes me nervous because even though I love doing these I don't know if other people do. So I usually tag the first people who come to mind but then I feel like I'm leaving people out, or I'm tagging the same people too much, or if I dont talk to them much they might feel like who the hell is this? So...... I literally go through that every single time!!!!

I'm tagging @softfonds @dinosaursmate @disgruntledkittenface @doncasterkitten @halosboat @alarrylarrie @evilovesyou @fournipplesau @finewalls @justapayneaway @jimmytfallon

#tagging game #wonderful mutuals #if you want me to not tag you i can remove it #my post

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 3 years ago

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Hello um may I ask a question? I just started my first ever fic when usually I write my own things away from any fandom. I’ve been posting to ao3, I spend hours upon hours getting a chapter done, proof read and edit about 30 times before I’m satisfied enough to post it, I try to keep it as original as possible however I’m quickly losing motive, I don’t typically care for numbers or views but this has made me care a little. I’ve found that a lot of fics that are written by someone who’s first language isn’t English do grab a lot more attention, the language barrier is obviously not a problem ive read many fics that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed who were written by a non English speaking person. The fics I’m referring to have very lose and sporadic storylines, they don’t make any sense because of the lose ends all through it, it’s very ‘and this happens and then this happens and now this happens’ but nothing is explained, these fics gain almost three times the attention mine does and I’m confused at what I could be doing wrong. I’m not entirely new to writing but I feel like my effort is being wasted. I started it for myself and not to please every person who finds it but seeing this has definitely knocked my confidence… what could be the problem?

First of all, congrats on starting you first fic :)

This is kind of a tricky question to answer because this is actually something that I've been quietly struggling with for a while now. I haven't really talked about it much though because the issue I've had sounds kind of whiney even in my own mind lol.

It's also tricky because it really kind of depends on the fandom you're writing for. Different fandoms have different interests and things that they tend to enjoy. To be honest I some times feel like the more original/unique it is the less attention the fic gets. Some of my least reviewed fics are the ones with bizarre concepts while my most popular ones tend to be stuff like 'there was only one bed'. That's not to knock these fics of course--they're popular for a reason. But more unique concepts tend to be more niche and not for everyone. Like I am a big fan of horror and zombie AUs which is something that not everyone is into. So it's not anything that you're doing wrong it's just that some concepts aren't as popular.

Likewise for certain ships and fandoms. Nerissa from W.i.t.c.h. is one of my favorite characters. The fandom isn't super popular and Nerissa is not a fan favorite to say the least so I kind of go into those fics expecting no attention. Even in popular fandoms like Avatar. I wrote this one (29 chapters) and it only got one review from my art bang partner. And my Azula fics are usually my most popular. However this one was for the Azula/Cupholder girl pair which is just such a niche interest that I'm not surprised that it was ignored. Throw on top of that, that it was sort of a dark fic. Even so it's still discouraging to but in 29 chapters of work and get nothing so I see where you're coming from. You just have to remind yourself that sometimes it isn't your writing that's the problem but simply that you're writing for a more niche concept/pair/character. With fics sometimes you just gotta write for you.

But honestly across the board I've noticed that I've been getting less reviews lately. I've talked to some others in my fandom on a discord server and they feel the same way. I genuinely think that people are just reviewing less. And you can't force people to review. Which is why it's important to just write for you. It's probably not anything that you're doing wrong it's just that some people might not have time to comment or they're shy and/or just don't know what to say so they don't say anything at all and settle for kudos and bookmarks. Also some people might not want to make accounts.

In general I feel as though writing and fandom as a whole has gotten a lot tougher. Back when I first started writing I never really had to worry about, 'is this story going to get people mad at me'? By this I mean that when I first started writing fics angst and dark fics seemed to be really popular. Like my best work was my really dark and depressing stuff. Recently these are the fics that are either loved or hated. They get a lot of nice reviews but they have also received some of my nastiest reviews. And people seem to get genuinely mad at authors for writing dark fics even if it's to cope. Which brings me to the next point; fandom evolves and changes; what's popular then won't stay popular. If you're an older fic author you'll probably got through periods of attention and then you'll fall out of the spotlight and maybe get back into it later on. If that makes sense.

But like I said above, I feel like fandom has just gotten tougher. Maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there but sometimes I feel like people are becoming a lot harder to please or they're just really quiet about their enjoyment. Which it kind of is what it is. And there's nothing wrong with silent enjoyment. There's also nothing wrong with having specific tastes. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of a picky reader myself lol.

That's why my best advice would be literally to write for you. Take breaks if you need to to avoid burn out. Fic writing lately (for me at least) has become write something I'd like to read and with luck other people will want to read it too. Just remind yourself that some pairs, characters, and tropes just aren't as popular and that your writing probably isn't the problem; most likely its just be a matter of writing for something that is underrated in your respective fandom.

If it helps, I've had people tell me on anon and not that they read everything I write but they don't review because they just don't know what to say. So odds are that you have a whole bunch of readers that really support and adore your work, they just prefer to lurk and not interact with the fandom much.

I hope that this helps even just a little. But like I said, it's hard for me to give advice on this because sometimes I feel the same way as you.

#fanfict #writing #writer problems #fanfiction writing #writing advice

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heartthatwontquit · 3 years ago

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Studies are showing indications of a societal collapse looming.

Im seeing things get worse and worse.

Are we almost there? Cause im getting terrified. I don't want to die unnaturally of a riot, virus, disease, or something else knowing

I will never meet and have a wholesome reassuring time with the favorite people I've talked to and befriended on the internet let alone anyone else i've met in real life.

They made us who we are.

We're all a fan of something.

But i wouldn't want to abuse such a position.

We wouldn't want to attack our own.

It's just too terrible to think of.

I listen to Gorillaz, guns and roses, nirvana, TeddyLoid, DayManOurSavior, Post Malone, Twenty One Pilots, Halsey(Congrats on IICHLIWP), Juice WRLD, Hp lovecraft, Evil dead franchise, XXXtentacion, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nine Inch Nails, Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Sonic The Hedgehog( SATAM Sonic and scourge)SlipKnot(Duality is fucking cool btw)Watch a shit ton of youtube that markiplier, JackSepticeye andPewDiePie are in my head all the time, Dj Fortify, Dj EAR(or huepoww)

Biogodz1(Al the wolf), Pink stylist, Makemebad35, Scott Cawthon, DAGames, CG5, CrankGameplays, Yamimash, BryceGames, Rick And Morty, Anything Seth Macfarland and Matt Groening, AnimatedJames(still have the 2015 con vid on my flashdrive. You're still cared about), Bryan Adams(Thank you MindlessGonzo), Elton John(fantastic job with The Pink phantom with Gorillaz and 6lack and collab song with Dua Lipa), Dua lipa( I. love. Hallucinate.), Rob Gavagan, Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Sean S. cunningham, Brian De Palma, HuniCast(Cause why the fuck not? Got up at 6pm in 2019 everyday for it i loved it! Like saturday morning again) Rio Franchise From Blue Sky, Surf's Up From Sony pictures animation (the ultimate fan image archetype movie), Robots from blue sky(another great fan archetype film)Mel Brooks( Put on the ritz and the Schwartz) SpindleHorse or Vivziepop(very big chunk of my teenhood. Got me dancing till i almost died), Hell EVEN The Rocky and Bullwinkle movie from 2000 cause it had an Absolutely amazing and frankly inspiring song from SuperTramp. Oh and Rocky with Sylvester cause why not? Me and my mom LOVE the Rocky franchise. Even Creed and creed 2 are amazing films. Dbz, Black butler, Steins Gate, Devilman or Lady(loved that one. So we can!)

Gunnm(Alita Battle Angel)

Sonic movie from 1999 (Shut up tails)

Doctor Mike ( Peewoop)

James Lee ( NOX)

Dazed and Confused( ultimate teen a put smoking weed)

Everybody wants Some!!! (Spiritual successor to dazed, same director as well)

The Big Bang Theory ( Me and my brother worship that show.)

Poltergeist 1982 ( music scares me too knackerman. No really.)

Everything Blumhouse studios

The Exorcist Franchise

One part i loved in the show My Name is Earl is when earl gave that one manager dude on a ladder his wallet back. He and his brother randy got a job as a thank you. I loved that moment ever since cause it was a nice, let alone life-saving gesture.

I always anticipated the next update of lil miss rarity back in 2013-present day.

Yeah.

I also like Apples.

I have a FUCKING FLASHDRIVE containing SO many offline mp4s of old youtube vids i can watch if internet cuts out just in case, but NEVER TO REPOST. I cannot say that enough. (<Yes the reposting part)

I probably even have some files that are probably golden nuggets of the internet cause some of these files are not even on youtube or their website origin anymore.

Now i downloaded these files cause they were my childhood and teenhood. What made me and maybe even some of you.

Mostly to playback for entertainment on a computer or PS3 for a number of long periods of my life.

One internet gem i listen to sometimes is Addictia's(or Princess Addictia) remix of Love is in Bloom from Daniel ingrams song from MLP FIM.

I haven't seen Addictia for a long time. Hope he's okay. Though i think one video reupload of that song is on youtube but i'm not the one who reposted it. Different Channel.

I even have ONE video of Unus Annus left but OBVIOUSLY im not gonna repost that one. Or anything for that matter.

I've had this flashdrive since 2013.

Like a fandom's treasure chest. Or a small gold bar made of plastic nostalgia.

I have even have original movie trailers and fanarts.

And again no reposting has never been done. Even after all this time. Its very much wrong.

All for free offline view. No reposting.

Lets just say i even have a video that On Youtube the sound is off cause of copyrighted content. It has musical samples in it.

Even a folder that has a fandom in it that is made fun of but not scrutinized. Lets just say they would gobble it up or remind someone of a taco bell drive thru experience with their friends.(they're beloved in a way)

So yeah. All this stuff thats bad and hectic happening( honestly im crushed when i learned about recently with norm macdonald and chadwick boseman) im sort've like that one dude in the picture that is sadly walking away from terrible things on the news while walking towards pop culture stuff like disney my little pony marvel DC Dark Horse Comics(holy shit The Mask) IDW publishing Image comics Even Stephen King. Honestly how would i like all this out of selfish intent? Thats just confusing. And lets not forget the fan creations of all this content. In 2015 i listened to so much Toby Fox. Two words.

Such Determination. ❤💚💜💙💛💗

Let alone Bill and Ted. Excellent... And Breathtaking. ( Saw The Matrix 4 trailer. Deathly Excited)

Here it is.

And of course ive learned from the Mare do well episode from MLP Gen 4. Also Griffin the brush off. Wouldnt want to hang out with someone disrespectful like that. Though she improved later in season 4 or 5 i think.

First ones i watched on TheHub were look before you sleep and bridle gossip. Very important episodes.

I also first saw Awoken by H8_seed on here, Tumblr. 2012.

Amazing song.

You all are great.

I just hope we don't tear ourselves apart.

#family #friends #Us #Together #strong #hope #fans

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holywankenobi · 5 years ago

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SW fandom rant

To be honest, I don't really know how or where can I start talking about this. If you aren't interested in any of the Star Wars drama that is going on then skip this post, cause its gonna be long... these goes for the SW fans we are concerned about the whole situation itself. I barely have the strength to do this and exposing my opinion about certain things makes me uncomfortable but it's been a long while since I'm keeping things to myself. There's much information I have to process so please be patient with me since I barely know how to express my emotions in the right way (that's why I'm holding myself back a lot here: it will seem I'm calm... but I'm not. I'm angry and tired at the same time).

DISNEY CANON

We all know where it all started. The Force Awakens premiere in 2015. We will start from there.

As ANY star wars movie, there will be people who liked it, people who loved it and people who hated it. And there is where some fans clash with the others. Fans who enjoy practically every movie or SW related things and those fans who demonize every movie (specially the ones from the new Disney canon) and the only thing that matters for them are the episodes IV, V, VI and the Legends canon (some of them also defend the prequel episodes I, II and III, fact which I'll talk about it later). And they bash against everyone who likes the Disney sequels.

BOI IM SCARED OF TELLING PEOPLE THIS WAS MY FAVOURITE SAGA SO FAR. And I already had problems with Legends hardcore fans.

Let me tell this straightaway... Star Wars are movies for kids. They've always been. George Lucas said it. They seem to be thirsty for feeling again what they felt when they were kids whenever a SW movie comes out but they always exit the cinema with a feeling of extreme disappointment.

I was talking about the last movie with my co workers at the beginning of the year and they complaint it was "too Disney". And that's precisely what I'm trying to explain! It's ok whether you like the sequels or not like them. Everyone has his own taste. I just find funny complaining for a whole saga originally made for kids for being "too Disney". I dont know if you get my point here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEsOqEpNF0k&list=PL8SlwcJuVWR2FNtL-6Wo5QUP6LMjpNJUA

LEGENDS CANON

Then there's those who hated the prequels, that said there was nothing worse than the phantom menace, those who hated on George Lucas for doing such a crap, but now praise the prequels because Disney is satan for them and they want the old canon back. George Lucas ended up selling SW to Disney because, he ain't no fool, he knows this fanbase is one of the most toxic and ungrateful that has ever existed. And he saw it with the prequels feedback... Then they now have the guts to demand him to continue the old canon? Smells like hypocrite-crying fanboys to me.

My whole point is....It's ok if you are a new/Disney sequels fan, it's ok if you are a prequels fan, it's ok if you are a SW original movies fan, Legends canon fan, OG fan, casual fan, hardcore fan... as always you understand that not everyone will agree with your point of view, not everyone will like or think the same way as you do, or live SW the same way as you do. There's a difference between respecting and agreeing with, concepts which sometimes get mixed and taken as the same thing, which is not. Respect other fans mean "I don't agree with you but I know how much this means for you, so I won't intentionally mock you" WHICH THING LEADS US TO THE NEXT TOPIC:

JOHN BOYEGA

*takes a deep breath*

Man. I dont know. He's a full grown up man and he's behaving like a 5 yo on his social media...... John is the actor who gives life to Finn (the ex stormtrooper). It all started with this sexist comment he responded to a fan in his IG.

Then people (naturally) got offended, specially reylos. But instead of apologizing he kept on going, remarked what he said and also did a video to mock the reylo community.

You think I'm only defending a ship here but no. Its bigger than that. He has the right to feel left out in this saga because I agree with him IN THAT FACT. He is probably the actor which is more into the SW world, he was always a big fan (of the whole cast I mean). Thats why fans love him do much. And I did love him too. And he (naturally) wanted to have more spotlight on this saga ( I think Finn was one of the most wasted characters of these movies tbh) But instead of taking it the mature way he's having a tantrum on his IG because Finnrey did not become a real thing, he's trolling reylos and encouraging SW haters and antis to bully them whose are already having a hard time with TROS end (which I'll talk about later because I dont like their attitude about it either).

And it's not just raise the hate on shippers thing dude you could just apologize because you said something sexist and offended a lot of people who ship reylo and really means a thing for them. The whole thing that the greatest achievement a man can have with a woman is sex is just DISGUSTING. Rey kissed Ben but now he's gone Finn has the road clear and can fuck her? BRUH.

This is all so wrong and he was the one who started it.

ADAM DRIVER

I'm really relieved Adam does not have any social media because omg I would be suffering so much rn...

I honestly have never emotionally connected with an actor so much as I did with him. His whole acting is so good and I could really notice on this last movie. I'm starting to watch his other movies. And not just his acting, he's so professional off camera too.

I'm really happy and proud of him for his Oscar nomination, he really deserves it TT

But I'm worried this whole John Boyega thing affects him. Idk how I would feel if I were in his shoes, if my coworker was saying those things on social media and then smile at me like nothing is happening. But honestly what hurts me the most is he's having a worse time with "reylos".. I think the rumors of him having an affair with Daisy Ridley was what messed things up. I honestly dont know if its true, I've got some info but it's hard to believe. Because there are so many haters manipulating fake info that I dont trust anything and anyone anymore.

And this is where I talk about:

REYLOS AND DAIVERS

BOI OH BOI

This is gonna be hard....

First of all, I don't consider Daivers (Daisy x Adam shippers) as part of the reylo community. I'm sorry. But its fucking disgusting you going to demand Adam to divorce from his wife, abandon his son and then start dating Daisy because of this rumor or because you can't separate fiction from reality.... I read he even recieved death threats ARE WE NUTS??? They (Adam and Daisy) having a good chemistry working together doesn't mean they are in love, kids...

Driver has an awesome wife and a lovely son. Daisy is currently dating someone.

Infidelity is gross. No more. And I would be so disappointed at them if this turns out to be true. But seeing all what's happening around the actors and specially having all this haters out there... I'll say this was all false information.

Daiver is not real and won't be. So stick only to the fictional ship.....

About Reylo itself. I find REALLY funny how people who dont know shit about what this ship means say it's an abusive relationship. Bullshit. I wouldn't be shipping them if so.

Also the people still stating it's not real/canon hiding themselves behind the "Ben solo is dead lol" argument. Do you stop loving someone when they die?

Yes, they love each other. No, it wasn't always reciprocated love. They started being enemies in the force awakens, friends who understood and cared for each other through force dyad in the last jedi and ended up being lovers at the end of the rise of Skywalker. Rey wants to revenge her family (her falling to the dark side) but also wants Ben Solo back, and he wants to be the most powerful leader on the galaxy and still being kylo ren. But they eventually meet in the middle between light and dark and Leia finally reaches out to him to make him turn to the light.That's their fight. That's the angst. That's the tea. "No one is ever really gone" there's always hope. Star Wars is centered in HOPE. And their story represents it at its finest.

NOW. The reylo community.

Despite you liked it or not the end they gave to the saga... I think JJ Abrams doesn't deserve all the hate he's receiving... he probably did a lot of things wrong but seriously... just stop. Not only from reylos but the whole fandom.

Sending hate won't lead to anything now...

I enjoyed The rise of Skywalker. Indeed I spent half of the movie crying and I loved it.

You can cry as much as you want the loss of Ben (although I have hope for him still being alive in a way, there are plenty of theories) but that doesn't give you the right to death threat JJ. And I think I'll stop here cause I'm already tired.

Everyone has their own taste, preferences, favourite characters, ships, whatever. I pray for people stop judging others for their tastes, specially in this cursed fanbase. Sorry if I ever misbehaved trying to defend what I think or like. I just want this place to be supportive and safe for everyone and everything what's happening is not helping... We are all SW fans and that's our connection point. Dont discredit others for having another point of view...

I'll leave it here, but I'm open to debate or talk about anything I said in a respectful way.

#tros #tros rant #star wars rant #reylo #the rise of reylo #adam driver #john boyega #star wars 9 #star wars ix #star wars ep 9 #the rise of skywalker

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